What relevance does a close to 2,000 year old book have for our sexual expression today? All that’s in this book is “Don’t,” “Don’t commit adultery,” “Don’t have sex before marriage,” and just to be safe, “Don’t have sex at all.” If that last one isn’t in there, it should be.
Why would God give us such a strong sexual desire and then give so many restrictions? Consider the words of 1 Corinthians 7:36, “36 If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his fiancé, if his passions are strong, and so it has to be, let him marry as he wishes; it is no sin. Let them marry.”
I want to give you a new perspective on this, God is not restricting this desire he is telling us how to derive as much pleasure from it as possible! Believe it or not, modern sociology backs this up! USA Today in the last few years and Rolling Stone magazine in 1998 both revealed studies that discovered the most sexually satisfied people in America where those in monogamous marriages.
Marriage was created to be a blessing and it is this commandment that seeks to protect it.
Today by way of review I want to look at the previous three legs of our marriage and then look to the fourth. The fourth leg of empowerment is really made up of intentional service between spouses. It is a lifestyle that takes into account the previous three and helps us to gain strength for the future from…
Applying grace to the past
Does forgiveness end? No! Peter asked the same question and Jesus told him, not seven times but seventy-seven times! (Matthew 18:21-22)
You will never need to stop forgiving. Forgiveness is a daily task in marriages.
Keep Paul’s words central, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger!” (Ephesians 4:26) Keep short accounts, wake-up debt free with your spouse.
Remaining united in covenantal love
Proverbs 25:24 – corner of the roof than a contentious wife. A divided house feels like that. Don’t allow division to sneak into your marriage. Remember you’re on the same team, don’t allow anyone or anything to come in and divide your allegiance.
Remember your vows and the value of your covenant – even when you have a hard time remembering the value of your spouse.
Growing in intimacy
Dare to trust, dare to disclose, dare to learn about your spouse.
Deuteronomy 24:5 – Take the time to get it right. I think the principle of the Sabbath and the principle of this verse are models for what we must do throughout our marriages.
Old advice for ministers is good for marriages: 1) divert daily – take time together; 2) retreat monthly – take a date, or a day; 3) abandon yearly – family vacation, couple’s weekend away
If we hold on to these and continue to practice covenantal love, forgiveness and intimacy then we can easily grasp the final foundation of mutual empowerment. I want to look at Proverbs 31, a passage traditionally used on mother’s day to celebrate a virtuous wife and mother, in order to see a snapshot of a healthy marriage. I’m having a hard time imagining that the virtuous wife of Proverbs 31 married a couch potato; rather I think they’re a complimentary pair.
Keys to developing a lifestyle of mutual empowerment…
There are seven principles contained here, as we go through them I want you maybe off to the side rate yourself and how you think you’re doing. When we’re done I want you to pick one to work on through the week.
Build Trust Through Shared Decisions and Dreams (Proverbs 31:10-12)
Notice the independence of the wife here, which is seemingly out of place in this patriarchal culture.
But, I think we see a principle here that I’ve had passed on to me for making decisions in marriage. Come to a mutual decision, if not possible let whoever it matters most to decide, if still not possible then spend time in prayer, if still not possible then the husband as the head retains the right to decide.
Shared decisions especially decisions about the future, we call them goals, grows a family into a unit. If you haven’t written down family goals together then do it, include personal goals, professional goals, couple goals and family goals.
Work willingly (Proverbs 31:13-19)
We must be committed to serving. Excelling in our own gifts for our shared future.
Mark 10:42-45 is great advice and the best place to practice it is in your marriage. Make it your daily mission and delight to out serve your spouse.
Be Generous (Proverbs 31:20-22)
We must learn to be generous with the poor (Proverbs 31:20) and with each other (Proverbs 31:21-22).
A couple that serves together realizes their shared blessings together. You can get so caught up in the daily struggles that soon you forget your great blessings. Taking time to serve not only models Christ but teaches you about your blessings.
Guard your reputations (Proverbs 31:23-25)
When you get married you share a name and Proverbs 22:1 tells us that a “good name” is worth more than great wealth. Your name is your shared asset, protect it!
Don’t cut your spouse down! Let your spouse’s name be praised and may you be the first one to praise them! If you’ve got problems with your spouse, talk to them first. Don’t talk about them – talk with them. Matthew 18:10-25 should be applied first at home!
Some of you have already thrashed your husband or your wife. Let me tell you how to repair it, start praising them in front of those you use to trash them in front of and keep it up. It will take time but you can do it.
Learn and grow together (Proverbs 31:26)
Learn new things together, participate in a BFC or small group together, take dancing classes together, audit a college course. Shared learning and discovery promotes growth.
Read, watch the Discovery Channel, learn. Don’t stagnate personally grow both as a person and as a couple.
Put your family first (Proverbs 31:27-29)
Value the needs of your household above your own.
We need the commitment of Ruth (Ruth 1:6-18). For her mother-in-law Ruth says, “Your people will be my people and your God will be my God!”
We must unite family to family and faith to faith. Interfaith marriages are tough, if you’re single – don’t think that God was confused when he said, “Don’t be unequally yoked.” It makes a difference!
Value the important (Proverbs 31:29-31)
Praise your spouse and let them share in your success as in verse 31.
Don’t be stingy with praise! Why withhold your delight in your spouse? Let them know you are their biggest fan.
For a little reminder about what “not to do” watch the “Don’t Song” which we showed Sunday…
Forgiveness is a lesson we never fully learn, even though we try to teach it to our children. It smooths over the rough spots and enables us to move forward. Grace is the grease that keeps marriages running. Maybe as we have trekked through this series these last four weeks you have thought, “It would be nice to start over.” Today is the day you can.
Everyone has been disappointed in their past.
There is not a person here who has not been disappointed by someone, there is not a married couple here who have not been let down by their spouse. We all have causes of frustration
We could compare stories of disappointment but if anyone deserved to be upset with anyone it was Joseph. How many people can say that their brothers kidnapped them, sold them into slavery, and left them for dead. Then when things were about to get better they lied to them.
We all have pasts; there isn’t a single one of us who haven’t been hurt in the past by someone. And like Joseph we all come to a point in life where we have two choices: 1) where either we can forgive or 2) not forgive and hold a grudge.
In Genesis 50:15-21 we have Joseph facing the same choice, he chooses to forgive.
Obtaining a proper perspective allow us to be released from the past.
We must understand who we are.
What they had done to him was to act like God, determining what his life was to be like. Shouldn’t Joseph be able to exact punishment on them, not anymore than what they had done? Just to even out the score.
That’s what holding a grudge is about, it’s about evening out the score. Making things even, getting even. It’s having a skewed perspective and then evening things out. It would be like wearing glasses on that make everything backwards and then reordering the world. It would be true chaos.
Joseph knew the truth of what Paul would say later, Romans 12:19, “Revenge is mine says the Lord.” In proper perspective we see that the world is not centered around us, it’s centered around God. Meaning things that happen to us don’t end the world, they simply spice it up.
Too many married couples are carrying around grudges, too many homes have a scoreboard up in their bedrooms where according to whoever is keeping score they’re winning. But if you’re keeping score – you’re losing!
We must understand who others are.
Joseph didn’t expect anything from his brothers. An author made this observation about this, “The brothers had mistrusted his motives after so many years of enjoying what he provided. They understood neither his love, nor his faith in God. This broke his heart.”
Joseph in his statement understands that they meant him harm and currently understands that their relationship might always be strained. But knowing this leads him to expect less.
We too need to understand who in our lives are going to disappoint us. We need to realize that they aren’t going to come through. This does not mean we are bitter, or upset, or don’t forgive them, it simply means we make our expectations more realistic.
We must understand who God is.
Joseph knew in hindsight that God sent him there to save the world, but I’m sure that going through those experiences he thought God had sent him to a living hell.
Having experienced this Joseph could testify to the message of Romans 8:28, “God works all things together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose.”
Bryan Chapell writes in, “Why He Just Takes It” from Men of Integrity Magazine (September/October 2001) “Friends of ours grew up in the church and have a fine house, sweet kids, and good jobs. But the wife has an emotional/mental problem. She periodically steals from her own family and gambles the money away. She’s been to counselors, doctors, and pastors, but nothing helps permanently. Imagine your own wife stealing from you, pawning objects of value, withdrawing money from bank accounts intentionally (but not infallibly) denied her, and lying about it for months. Every time she’s stolen from her husband and ruined his future, he’s forgiven her and taken her back. Even when she gave up on her own life and tried to kill herself, he refused to give up on her. I asked this husband once why he didn’t end this marriage, in spite of pressure from many friends and family to do so. His words were courageous and simple: “She is a good mother most of the time, and my children need her. But more than that, they need to know the love of their God. How can they know of a Father in heaven who forgives them if their own father won’t forgive their own mother?”
Forgiveness should come quickly, trust requires time.
Notice even this godly man is denying his wife his credit card or access to their bank account. Why? Because while he forgives her he doesn’t trust her.
In the movie we saw that Catherine was slow to forgive and even slower to trust. What was the catalyst? A major sacrifice that proved his trustworthiness.
Frequently people too quickly run back into destructive relationships or they deal with things when they are not prepared to and say things that they regret
You see Joseph’s realized (and we’ll see this through the story) that there’s three areas essential to a healthy relationship: safety (which his brothers have not shown themselves to be, what with selling him into slavery and all); honesty (well they don’t score to high on this one either beings as how they lied to Jacob about Joseph dying); and commitment (they aren’t committed to those that they care for.
Joseph’s story here shows very clearly that forgiveness and trust do not have to go hand in hand. Yes, trust is the goal for every broken relationship and it is what should be desired; but it doesn’t come as quickly as does forgiveness. Trust takes time, forgiveness comes from God.
It’s hard to find good reliable trustworthy Christian thoughts on sex. Too many preachers and churches have exploited it for publicity (visit alittleleaven.com for examples). As I prepared for the FIREPROOF series I was fortunate to stumble across two great sermons. The first is by Erwin McManus of Mosaic his sermon in the “Life’s Toughest Questions” series is titled, “What about sex?” and covers God’s intended design for sex in marriage, to singleness, and even homosexuality. You can listen to this sermon so long as they host it by clicking here.
Another sermon that has a more conservative approach placed in another marriage and family series is by Randy Gariss preaching minister of College Heights Christian Church in Joplin, MO. His sermon titled “Lord of the Rings: Sexuality of Men & Women” is available by clicking here.
While there are many “Christian” sex books, I question their helpfulness. I agree with Kevin Leman who says that Christian couples lack innocence more than information. That said a dated but thorough resource is Intended for Pleasure by Ed & Gaye Wheat. This book is great as a pre-marital resource and a starting place for people with sexual problems. It won’t solve those problems, but it should point you in the right direction.
. This book is great as a pre-marital resource and a starting place for people with sexual problems. It won’t solve those problems, but it should point you in the right direction.
