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Today by way of review I want to look at the previous three legs of our marriage and then look to the fourth.  The fourth leg of empowerment is really made up of intentional service between spouses.  It is a lifestyle that takes into account the previous three and helps us to gain strength for the future from…

1. Applying grace to the past
   1. Does forgiveness end?  No!  Peter asked the same question and Jesus told him, not seven times but seventy-seven times! (Matthew 18:21-22)
   2. You will never need to stop forgiving.  Forgiveness is a daily task in marriages.
   3. Keep Paul’s words central, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger!” (Ephesians 4:26)  Keep short accounts, wake-up debt free with your spouse.
2. Remaining united in covenantal love
   1. Proverbs 25:24 – corner of the roof than a contentious wife.  A divided house feels like that.  Don’t allow division to sneak into your marriage.  Remember you’re on the same team, don’t allow anyone or anything to come in and divide your allegiance.
   2. Remember your vows and the value of your covenant – even when you have a hard time remembering the value of your spouse.
3. Growing in intimacy
   1. Dare to trust, dare to disclose, dare to learn about your spouse.
   2. Deuteronomy 24:5 – Take the time to get it right.  I think the principle of the Sabbath and the principle of this verse are models for what we must do throughout our marriages.
   3. Old advice for ministers is good for marriages: 1) divert daily – take time together; 2) retreat monthly – take a date, or a day; 3) abandon yearly – family vacation, couple’s weekend away

If we hold on to these and continue to practice covenantal love, forgiveness and intimacy then we can easily grasp the final foundation of mutual empowerment.  I want to look at Proverbs 31, a passage traditionally used on mother’s day to celebrate a virtuous wife and mother, in order to see a snapshot of a healthy marriage.  I’m having a hard time imagining that the virtuous wife of Proverbs 31 married a couch potato; rather I think they’re a complimentary pair.

Keys to developing a lifestyle of mutual empowerment…

There are seven principles contained here, as we go through them I want you maybe off to the side rate yourself and how you think you’re doing.  When we’re done I want you to pick one to work on through the week.

1. Build Trust Through Shared Decisions and Dreams (Proverbs 31:10-12)
   1. Notice the independence of the wife here, which is seemingly out of place in this patriarchal culture.
   2. But, I think we see a principle here that I’ve had passed on to me for making decisions in marriage.  Come to a mutual decision, if not possible let whoever it matters most to decide, if still not possible then spend time in prayer, if still not possible then the husband as the head retains the right to decide.
   3. Shared decisions especially decisions about the future, we call them goals, grows a family into a unit.  If you haven’t written down family goals together then do it, include personal goals, professional goals, couple goals and family goals.
2. Work willingly (Proverbs 31:13-19)
   1. We must be committed to serving.  Excelling in our own gifts for our shared future.
   2. Mark 10:42-45 is great advice and the best place to practice it is in your marriage.  Make it your daily mission and delight to out serve your spouse.
3. Be Generous (Proverbs 31:20-22)
   1. We must learn to be generous with the poor (Proverbs 31:20) and with each other (Proverbs 31:21-22).
   2. A couple that serves together realizes their shared blessings together.  You can get so caught up in the daily struggles that soon you forget your great blessings.  Taking time to serve not only models Christ but teaches you about your blessings.
4. Guard your reputations (Proverbs 31:23-25)
   1. When you get married you share a name and Proverbs 22:1 tells us that a “good name” is worth more than great wealth.  Your name is your shared asset, protect it!
   2. Don’t cut your spouse down!  Let your spouse’s name be praised and may you be the first one to praise them!  If you’ve got problems with your spouse, talk to them first.  Don’t talk about them – talk with them.  Matthew 18:10-25 should be applied first at home!
   3. Some of you have already thrashed your husband or your wife.  Let me tell you how to repair it, start praising them in front of those you use to trash them in front of and keep it up.  It will take time but you can do it.
5. Learn and grow together (Proverbs 31:26)
   1. Learn new things together, participate in a BFC or small group together, take dancing classes together, audit a college course.  Shared learning and discovery promotes growth.
   2. Read, watch the Discovery Channel, learn.  Don’t stagnate personally grow both as a person and as a couple.
6. Put your family first (Proverbs 31:27-29)
   1. Value the needs of your household above your own.
   2. We need the commitment of Ruth (Ruth 1:6-18).  For her mother-in-law Ruth says, “Your people will be my people and your God will be my God!”
   3. We must unite family to family and faith to faith.  Interfaith marriages are tough, if you’re single – don’t think that God was confused when he said, “Don’t be unequally yoked.”  It makes a difference!
7. Value the important (Proverbs 31:29-31)
   1. Praise your spouse and let them share in your success as in verse 31.
   2. Don’t be stingy with praise!  Why withhold your delight in your spouse?  Let them know you are their biggest fan.

For a little reminder about what “not to do” watch the “Don’t Song” which we showed Sunday…

The Don’t Song from Igniter Media on Vimeo.

Forgiveness is a lesson we never fully learn, even though we try to teach it to our children.  It smooths over the rough spots and enables us to move forward.  Grace is the grease that keeps marriages running.  Maybe as we have trekked through this series these last four weeks you have thought, “It would be nice to start over.”  Today is the day you can.

Everyone has been disappointed in their past.

1. There is not a person here who has not been disappointed by someone, there is not a married couple here who have not been let down by their spouse.  We all have causes of frustration
2. We could compare stories of disappointment but if anyone deserved to be upset with anyone it was Joseph.  How many people can say that their brothers kidnapped them, sold them into slavery, and left them for dead.  Then when things were about to get better they lied to them.
3. We all have pasts; there isn’t a single one of us who haven’t been hurt in the past by someone.  And like Joseph we all come to a point in life where we have two choices: 1) where either we can forgive or 2) not forgive and hold a grudge.
4. In Genesis 50:15-21 we have Joseph facing the same choice, he chooses to forgive.

Obtaining a proper perspective allow us to be released from the past.

1. We must understand who we are.
   1. What they had done to him was to act like God, determining what his life was to be like.  Shouldn’t Joseph be able to exact punishment on them, not anymore than what they had done?  Just to even out the score.
   2. That’s what holding a grudge is about, it’s about evening out the score.  Making things even, getting even.  It’s having a skewed perspective and then evening things out.  It would be like wearing glasses on that make everything backwards and then reordering the world.  It would be true chaos.
   3. Joseph knew the truth of what Paul would say later, Romans 12:19, “Revenge is mine says the Lord.”  In proper perspective we see that the world is not centered around us, it’s centered around God.  Meaning things that happen to us don’t end the world, they simply spice it up.
   4. Too many married couples are carrying around grudges, too many homes have a scoreboard up in their bedrooms where according to whoever is keeping score they’re winning.  But if you’re keeping score – you’re losing!
2. We must understand who others are.
   1. Joseph didn’t expect anything from his brothers.  An author made this observation about this, “The brothers had mistrusted his motives after so many years of enjoying what he provided.  They understood neither his love, nor his faith in God.  This broke his heart.”
   2. Joseph in his statement understands that they meant him harm and currently understands that their relationship might always be strained.  But knowing this leads him to expect less.
   3. We too need to understand who in our lives are going to disappoint us.  We need to realize that they aren’t going to come through.  This does not mean we are bitter, or upset, or don’t forgive them, it simply means we make our expectations more realistic.
3. We must understand who God is.
   1. Joseph knew in hindsight that God sent him there to save the world, but I’m sure that going through those experiences he thought God had sent him to a living hell.
   2. Having experienced this Joseph could testify to the message of Romans 8:28, “God works all things together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose.”
   3. Bryan Chapell writes in, “Why He Just Takes It” from Men of Integrity Magazine (September/October 2001)  “Friends of ours grew up in the church and have a fine house, sweet kids, and good jobs. But the wife has an emotional/mental problem. She periodically steals from her own family and gambles the money away.  She’s been to counselors, doctors, and pastors, but nothing helps permanently. Imagine your own wife stealing from you, pawning objects of value, withdrawing money from bank accounts intentionally (but not infallibly) denied her, and lying about it for months.  Every time she’s stolen from her husband and ruined his future, he’s forgiven her and taken her back. Even when she gave up on her own life and tried to kill herself, he refused to give up on her.  I asked this husband once why he didn’t end this marriage, in spite of pressure from many friends and family to do so. His words were courageous and simple: “She is a good mother most of the time, and my children need her. But more than that, they need to know the love of their God. How can they know of a Father in heaven who forgives them if their own father won’t forgive their own mother?”

Forgiveness should come quickly, trust requires time.

1. Notice even this godly man is denying his wife his credit card or access to their bank account.  Why?  Because while he forgives her he doesn’t trust her.
2. In the movie we saw that Catherine was slow to forgive and even slower to trust.  What was the catalyst?  A major sacrifice that proved his trustworthiness.
3. Frequently people too quickly run back into destructive relationships or they deal with things when they are not prepared to and say things that they regret
4. You see Joseph’s realized (and we’ll see this through the story) that there’s three areas essential to a healthy relationship: safety (which his brothers have not shown themselves to be, what with selling him into slavery and all); honesty (well they don’t score to high on this one either beings as how they lied to Jacob about Joseph dying); and commitment (they aren’t committed to those that they care for.
5. Joseph’s story here shows very clearly that forgiveness and trust do not have to go hand in hand.  Yes, trust is the goal for every broken relationship and it is what should be desired; but it doesn’t come as quickly as does forgiveness.  Trust takes time, forgiveness comes from God.

It’s hard to find good reliable trustworthy Christian thoughts on sex.  Too many preachers and churches have exploited it for publicity (visit alittleleaven.com for examples).  As I prepared for the FIREPROOF series I was fortunate to stumble across two great sermons.  The first is by Erwin McManus of Mosaic his sermon in the “Life’s Toughest Questions” series is titled, “What about sex?” and covers God’s intended design for sex in marriage, to singleness, and even homosexuality.  You can listen to this sermon so long as they host it by clicking here.

Another sermon that has a more conservative approach placed in another marriage and family series is by Randy Gariss preaching minister of College Heights Christian Church in Joplin, MO.  His sermon titled “Lord of the Rings: Sexuality of Men & Women” is available by clicking here.

While there are many “Christian” sex books, I question their helpfulness.  I agree with Kevin Leman who says that Christian couples lack innocence more than information.  That said a dated but thorough resource is Intended for Pleasure by Ed & Gaye Wheat.  This book is great as a pre-marital resource and a starting place for people with sexual problems.  It won’t solve those problems, but it should point you in the right direction.

The Act Of Marriage

As Jenny and I searched for a new house we knew that we had to have one thing: a fireplace.  We have always lived in a home with a fireplace, except at our last rental and it was horrible.  I love fire, I love watching fire, I could watch it all the time.  We also put in a gas stove, so we cook with fire and our furnace is gas so it heats with fire.  Fire is the most wonderful gift ever!  It heats our house, makes meals safe to eat and delicious, it provides nice ambiance.  But, if that fire were to come out of our fireplace and into our carpet or walls or attic – it would be a curse.

Sexuality is the fire in our marriage.  It is beautiful, creative and comforting, but when sexuality is removed from its place it can be completely destructive.  As a matter of fact sexual infidelity is the one clear and listed reason in scripture for divorce.

I know that there are some who would say, “Why are you talking about sex in the church?”  If you’ve been following along in the small group book you’ll notice that much of this week is dedicated to purity, particularly from pornography.  The problem is that I’ve heard sermons on pornography and I’ve heard sermons on purity, but I’ve yet to hear (in person) a sermon celebrating sexuality.  It’s easier to say, “Sex is bad outside of marriage and pornography is corrupting.”  It’s a lot more difficult to say, “Sex is so good and we should celebrate it.”  I believe we must capture and reclaim our sexuality.

There is a great and beautiful description of sexual intimacy, found right in scripture in the book of Song of Solomon.  If sexual intimacy was important enough to get an entire book of the Bible dedicated to it, then it’s important enough for us to talk about.  In the midst of a book that borders on explicit this strong statement on covenant love is found…

“Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is strong as death, passion fierce as the grave.  Its flashes are flashes of fire, a raging flame.  Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it.  If one offered for love all the wealth of one’s house, it would be utterly scorned.”

-  Song of Solomon 8:6-7

Purposes of Sexuality

1. Creation – Genesis 1:24
   1. Create a new identity.  When joined physically a spiritual union takes place between the man and the woman.
   2. Animals mate by biological instinct, man has sex on reason, we are the only created species able to have sex with the whole person: mind, soul, body.  There is no mistake that the word used throughout scripture starting Genesis 4:14 is that we know each other as a euphemism for sex.
2. Re-creation – Song of Solomon 4:9-15
   1. Sex is a place of recreating the original identity or restoring it and strengthening it.  Sex was designed to celebrate and restore wholeness in the marriage.  Sex does not happen in isolation.  Great sex happens in great relationships.  It is not a substitute for one – it can’t be.
   2. To know your wife – increase intimacy and celebrates our intimacy.  Our great problem today as articulated by Randy Garris is that we have mistaken sex for a physical drive, when it was created by God in us to be an emotional drive.  Certainly sex is physical, but our greatest sex organ is our mind and when we forget to think and feel we neglect the wholeness God wants for us in our sexuality.
3. Pro-creation – Genesis 9:1
   1. I dare say that procreation might be a by-product of true love which creates an identity.  Procreation is not the sole purpose for sexuality as some have said over the years.  It is an overflowing of the love in a marriage.
   2. How do you know when you are ready to have children?  When you have more than enough love.  Sexuality creates a married identity, it recreates and refreshes it as often as it is practiced and as a result the overflow of creative energy produces new life – children.
   3. Listen to the language of Proverbs 5:15-20.  This passage is letting us know about the blessings of sex, particularly in bearing children.  Solomon is asking why would we allow our blessing to go to another man or family.

Taking these purposes of sexuality in mind we can then evaluate any practice of sexuality in accordance with God’s original design for expressing our sexual nature.  Particularly there are two broad and sweeping categories that fall under this.  I recognize that there are specific questions about practices of sex that might be of interest to you, unfortunately this is not the place to address those.  So, we must be content to look at these overarching principles and then draw conclusions about specific practices from them.  For answers to more specific questions see Intended for Pleasure by Ed & Gaye Wheat

Practices of Sexuality

1. Mutuality in marriage
   1. Mutuality in marriage means two things: 1) that both willing consent and 2) that it remains between the both of them.  This mutuality speaks to influences a couple may bring into their sex life including sex manuals.  Dr. Kevin Leman who says that as couples we don’t lack information, we lack innocence.  I agree.
   2. 1 Corinthians 7:3-4.  Our bodies are mutual property.  So, sexuality is a mutual process of submitting to each other and their desires.
   3. 1 Conrithians 7:5 tells us that sexuality is so important that we should not deprive each other.
   4. So serious was the establishment of good sex in marriages that in Deuteronomy 24:5 a man is given a year off to learn to pleasure his wife.
2. Abstinence outside of marriage
   1. In marriage abstinence is a sin, but outside of marriage it is the best and only way to preserve the purity of the marriage bed. (Hebrews 13:4)
   2. Outside of marriage this is the choice for the faithful believer, because without a marriage it can not fulfill the creation purpose of sex.  We are unable to create sustaining relationships outside of the bond of covenant in marriage.
   3. There is no doubt that abstinence is a difficult proposition.  As beings made up of thoughts, feelings, spirit and physicality draw closer to each other in dating relationships it is only natural that our physicality would desire the same.
   4. No way to be one flesh without a covenant, because only in the bond of covenant is our spirit bonded together.
   5. The problem is that sex is sacramental, the physical act represents and enacts a spiritual reality as well.  1 Corinthians 6:12-20
      1. Notice the body is meant for the Lord, our physical nature is under his lordship.
      2. The problem is when we forget that our sexuality is an emotional drive and think it is a physical drive.
      3. Our sexuality is a controllable expression of our inner thoughts and feelings – not a primal urge that can’t be contained.

What happens when we guard our sexuality and pre-sexuality?  Read Song of Solomon 8:8-14 and you will see these two truths…

• The Shulamite guards her sexuality and rebuffs the vain attempt of Solomon to buy her love.  She has saved herself for marriage.
• Having maintained her purity, she calls to her lover with modest means and they live upon “the mountains of spice.” A Hebraic way of saying, “happily ever after.”  Following God’s plan for sexuality in covenant is what truly brings us blessing.